I am a grown, healthy, and by most standards, a successful woman. I have two boys with more cuteness than I can handle sometimes. They are heathy and have two very different personalities; both excelling in their own ways. I am incredibly proud. I have a relationship that makes love feel like it’s on fire in my heart. I have a job that I am thankful for and all the things that by societal standards are a mark of accomplishments. What more could I want?
I am blessed. I know this, and I am grateful for it. Despite all of these rewarding and humbling blessings in my life, I am still yearning for more. It is not a yearning for a different type of love, more kids, or more materialistic things. It’s a yearning not to conform in the places in my life that I feel that I have so much more to give and explore. I don’t want to feel caged by a feeling of responsibility to make everyone else feel comfortable with my livelihood. For once, I want to focus more intentionally on me, even if that creates uncomfortableness for those in my circle.
I actually don’t blame the pandemic for bringing me the revolations I have had in the past several months. I am actually a believer that all things happen for a reason. This is just the way earth rotates and everything is always God’s plan. I have spent most of my life rolling with the punches, and rarely overthinking many things. But, I feel this nudge to act and do in a way that I never have before…
This feeling reminds me of all the softball drills we used to do where the coach would come around and nudge us to make sure our base was solid, but in this instance, the nudge was so significant that I fall over. When nudges come along where I am moved, I am driven to process the ideas and dreams that accompany it. So, what about me? It’s time. My time.
I never want to be seen as selfish, but what I have learned is that putting me first at times has been invigorating and has lead me to internal happiness. Most people, especially moms, will not respond to that even being an option in life, but I do and I always will. I have always desired to be the best version of me and sometime that means going against the societal grain. This nudge had me a little uncomfortable, but I cannot fix this feeling by ignoring it.
I refuse to go by these prescriptive automative step by step rules that pressure me to conform, without question, for the sake of others comfort. My compass changed direction, and I love it. I am motivated by challenge and this moves me. On this journey, the only thing I am leaving behind is any version of me that is not the version of my best self, living my best life.
No more cages. No more conforming. Just me, Kristin. Courageous living, moving directly towards the life I want to live.